Surviving the Ice Breaker (Without Melting Down)

Practical, low-stress tips for making it through those mandatory mingling moments.
Surviving the Ice Breaker (Without Melting Down)

Ugh, one of those ice breaker events was just scheduled.  You know, the ones where some of us are in our element and the rest of us absolutely dread. 

Why is it so easy for some people to start up a conversation with a perfect stranger and be completely at ease, while others forget how to use our tongues to speak and our brains to think?

For those who do not struggle with ice breaker events, congratulations.  You can save some time and not read any further… but feel free to stick some of your own thoughts and advice in the comments to help others.  


OK, we are going but don’t feel comfortable.  What are some tips to help?

DON’T PANIC

It is just a get-together, nothing more.  Easier said than done but get worked up about it before it even happens.  Just put it on your calendar and forget about it

CONSIDER YOUR CLOTHES

Ok, why do clothes matter?  Simple – if we are comfortable with what we are wearing, and our outfit does not make us look like the one person who did not pay attention to the invite, we will just be more comfortable overall. If we tend to be uncomfortable anyway in ice breaker situations, do not make it worse by wearing the wrong clothes. 

HAVE GOALS

We talked about the first goal of contacting someone within 10 to 15 minutes but have some other goals that will help conversations.  Try to learn about the hometown or home state of five people or make a new contact every 15 minutes.  Focusing on a few goals provides something else to focus on versus focusing on being uncomfortable.  

MAKE CONTACT QUICKLY

Have a goal to meet someone within the first 10 to 15 minutes at the event.  Go ahead and grab a drink (it may help) or something to eat, but do not put off the first contact.  The longer the first interaction takes, the more we convince ourselves that “this is not for me”.

HAVE A TOPIC (OR A FEW)

Prepare some topics in your head prior to the event.  Some possible topics are:

  • Where are you from and where do you call home now?
  • What area of the country (or state) have you enjoyed the most?
  • Do you have any pets?  What are the names and how did you come up with that/those names?
  • So, what do you do when you are not “being a banker” (or whatever the common professional affinity is for the event)
  • Weather is kind of a cheating topic, but it may work well if wherever the event is occurring has experienced some dramatic or unusual weather.  It may also work well based on where the person you are talking with comes from.  As someone from the Midwest, I may ask someone from Arizona, “dry heat is still hot, right?”
  • Sports or music may work as topics, if the other person shows some sign of interest in the topics. 

“TELL ME MORE”

This is a great line.  People like to talk about themselves, their accomplishments, their jobs, etc., so if you are at a loss for what to say, “that is interesting, tell me more about it” is a great way to keep the conversation going.

“WHY”

Another tip to keep conversations rolling is to simply ask “why”.  If someone says, “I am a dog person and always have black labs”, a natural follow-up is to say, “Why dogs and why black labs?”

FIND ANOTHER INTROVERT

Target the others in the room that look like they “hate it”.  Their minds are telling them that they don’t belong, so introduce yourself to them.  It will help them and get you started.  

JOIN IN

Don’t be afraid to join in a conversation.  A couple of people or small group talking is not an automatic “stay away”, sometimes it helps to slowly join in an existing conversation.  It may lead to one-on-one conversation.

DON’T COMPETE

There are always the individuals that have no fear or issues with ice breaker events and “own the room”.  There is no need to compete with them or compare their activities to your activities, it will only frustrate you for no reason.  

DON’T DRINK TOO MUCH

There is nothing worse than someone who is not comfortable in a situation who drank too much.  If having something in your hand to drink makes you more comfortable, try drinking just tonic without the gin.

Pro Tip: I tend to order a drink that I do not really enjoy, like a very dry red wine.  I end up drinking much slower.

BE HONEST

So what is wrong with walking up to someone and saying, “I am not very good at these types of events because I have a hard time walking up to someone and just start talking, so let me start by saying my name is Duffy, what is your name?”  It will get the conversation started and give the other person the clue that they may need to help with the next topic.

USE YOUR EARS

When nervous, most people are worried about what to say next instead of listening to what is being said.  Use your ears – people give you plenty of opportunities to follow-up on their comments without you having to plan the next line of questions.

IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE “FORMAL”

There is a natural thought that all conversations have to be “formal” or tied into the affinity of the group.  I was a banker, so there was a tendency to talk about interest rates, the economy, and customer service.  Those were boring topics.  Avoid them – talk about something fun, like wine, beer, pets, or a whole range of other irrelevant topics.

QUALITY IS BETTER THAN QUANTITY

Having good quality conversations with few people is better than a large number of short vague conversations.  If your goal was to talk to 8 people but you end up only talking to 5, but all 5 were more than “hello”, then count it as a success.

SOME THING ARE BEST AVOIDED

Just like Thanksgiving dinner conversations, avoid talking about politics, religion, and money.  Nothing good happens with these topics, especially if you don’t really know much about the other person in the conversation.  

I was in a conversation at an ice breaker event with a person that I just met. He went down a gay bashing path for no reason other than a speaker earlier in the day “sounded gay” to him. He picked the wrong topic and opinion for someone who is proud of their gay son and son-in-law!

So, is asking about family and kids “off limits”?  It depends.  It should not be the first topic, but as the conversation occurs, the topic may come up naturally and lead to a longer conversation.


So there you have it: there is nothing to fear with ice breaker events even for introverts and those who do not feel they are good with small talk.

Set simple goals, have a few topics in your head, ask “why”, listen, and try to avoid saying or doing anything radically wrong.  It is an hour or so of your life, you can handle it.

Some people hate going to the dentist, but they go and in short order it is done.  Ice breaker events are the same – just go and before you know it it will be done.  

Hey functional human—this part’s yours.

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